2016

Monday morning
I swing my leg over the bicycle. It is morning and the adderall is starting to kick in. I watch as a drone takes over my body. A moment ago my body did not want to bike, did not want to get out of bed, did not want to do anything. I can almost hear my neurons buzzing. Before I know it i am hiking up the pace, standing up and pushing on the pedals, my body now a smooth component of the mechanical frame beneath me. I do not know who gives life to the other. Everything is dimly nice. Life is yellower. I am aware of all the work I have to do, but without emotional valence.

Monday, 11pm
I breathe deeply as the poison starts to leave my body, my hands erupting in hives as my system finally starts to push the toxins out. Inconvenient emotions seep in

Tuesday I dream of
The faces of the people I met who loved me without question, who saw me and for whatever reason decided to pour love like liquid gold straight into my gaping chest, my open mouth, asking for nothing in return

I want to see and give all the flowers, to people I know and even more to people I don’t know.

I want to breathe with the quiet power of nature and the mountains,

Feel the earth’s emotions even if they knock me to the ground

Tell Tim that if the night sky is a black sheet and the stars are holes showing just a tiny bit of what lies behind then your body is just one of those holes and your consciousness is equivalent to what lies behind the sheet, the giant shining white light

Only a tiny bit of who you really are can shine through your body in this life because you are everything and everyone; you are the giant web of consciousness that connects all living things.

How do you convey this to someone who has difficulty feeling it?

Sunday morning
What did I do in between the cars of the R train at 4 am?

Monday
You feel the deep pain of a might- have- been in your chest and you
Wonder
Why
It hurts
So
Much

A piece of advice: Don’t let your skin get too hungry otherwise, you’ll probably end up eating yourself.

Sometimes I still think about her and I feel like I’m gonna die, but it’s getting better and I know it’s getting better when I look up at the beautiful PNW sky and it’s like purple candy, sliding down my throat.

Tuesday
I ate too much chocolate and wound up sick and in the rain

Wednesday
You know, it is probably for the best. Why would you want to keep a big bird in a small cage? And who would be selfish enough not to water a plant when you have the water, and the plant needs to grow? In light of all this, I have been going around watering things, paying forward what so many people have given me.